Why didn't I become an accountant?

Some stories are so out there only time makes them humorous in hindsight. This story has been a favorite of my coworkers and friends for years.

The first homecare agency I worked for had a policy for what to do in case a person lost a digit to necrosis(side note: sometimes people with severe vascular disease and diabetes will have toes or fingers get necrotic and the doctors will allow the diseased digits to just die and fall off instead of risking the patient going through surgery, this is way more common with toes). The policy was that we would have to collect the toe and put it in a biohazard bag to be sent to pathology at the hospital. I know it is a glamorous job try not to be jealous.

Fast forward about 2 months and I have a patient John Doe who was a very brittle diabetic and we were seeing him for wound care on 3 of his toes. Basically we were just wrapping his foot with gauze and checking to make sure the skin on his foot was not becoming necrotic or dead like his toes.

The toes were becoming very black and brittle and I held my breath every visit just hoping those toes stayed where they were supposed to be. Well that idea was shot to shit one visit and I have been traumatized every since. I unwrapped his foot as usual and 2 of the toes had come off in the dressing. So I was getting in my nursing bag to get out a biohazard bag and THE PATIENTS DOG GRABBED ONE OF THE TOES RIGHT OFF THE BANDAGE! So here I am totally freaked out chasing this little dog all over the house while the patient is laughing at me telling me not to worry about it because he could not use the toes anyway. The dog totally ate one of his toes!!! I called my office to let them know I would only be bringing in one specimen and after they picked themselves up off the floor from laughing at me they told me I had to let the doctor know. That was one of the most awkward calls I have ever made. The doctor thought I was just messing with him but ended up being very amused by the whole situation. The patient teased me about the incident until the day we discharged him. I still shudder when I see necrotic toes to this day.
*because I like you all I will spare you images of necrosis of the toes but for anyone wondering how a toe just falls off, please feel free to google it, although I must warn you it is not for the faint of heart*

I NEED YOU TO CHECK SOMETHING FOR ME..

SCROTUM: Noun/Plural..The pouch of skin that contains the testes.

What the dictionary does not include in this definition: As men age, their scrotums become supersized and extra shiny. I did not discover this by reading an updated anatomy book, or attending a mens health expo. Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of my patient announcing, (before I could take off my coat) "I need you to check something". As homecare nurses, we are very familiar with that phrase..hearing it several times a week. Typically, the next step is our patients show us a bruise or cut, new bottle of medicine, or even the thermostat. But, this day was different. As I quickly removed my coat, (in superstar nurse -save the day fashion), and started to walk over to him, he already was standing in front of his lazyboy. Pants down around ankles. Boxers twisted at his feet. AND THERE IT WAS... the biggest, longest scrotum I had ever seen. It wasnt his scrotum he needed me to check. He had an itch in his right groin area. I didnt have a choice.. I had to go in...I adorned my medium non latex powder free gloves, attempted to visualize the groin.. Quite difficult with him standing, and myself bending at the waist with my hair nearly dragging on the ground. I asked him to go lay in his bed, and he refused.. of course. I reluctantly, kneeled down (yes, the picture in your mind is correct), grabbed hold of the fifty pound, six foot scrotum, and dug in...noting a horrible fungal infection. While assessing the entire groin, and scrotum, with his penis blowing in the wind... he had the nerve to ask me if any patients with a rash like his that need checked, get an erection....
As I helped him fold up his scrotum, and place it back down his pants into his shoe, I told him I would report this to his doctor, and politely excused myself out the door....
This would be the last time, "I need you to check something" would get me.

Oh *that* Spot? Don't worry about that...

I was working one of my 1st home care jobs when I met Jane Doe a 58 year old diabetic with a non-healing foot wound. Jane was very non-compliant and did not follow her diabetic diet nor the wound care for her foot. So I was sent out daily to do wound care on her foot wound.

I will try and describe the condition of the home. The floors had carpet on them at one time which was worn to but a few threads and the mice and cockroaches had pretty much taken over. Now I feel bad when someone is unable to care for their home due to illness and have been known to clean a patients house for them. This was not the case for this patient. She was as able to clean her house as she was to do her own wound care, she just chose not to.

I was at her house for a routine visit one day and had black jeans on. I kneeled down on the floor to do her wound care and imagine my surprise when my knee hit something mushy and wet. I stood up and said "Jane! What is on your carpet!?" Jane replied "Oh don't worry about that *nurse*, I vomited there earlier and didn't clean it up." Yeah she vomited on the floor and just left it. She was perfectly able to clean it up, yet did not. The worst part is she thought it was ok to vomit on the floor and leave it. I seriously reconsidered my profession that day. Lucky for you I didn't

Homecare Hilarity

My name is Flo* and I have been a homecare nurse for 13 years. My partner Clara* has 10 years of homecare experience. We see some of the worst non-complaint patients in neighborhoods that you see on the news. We have entertained our friends for years with our anonymous stories of patients we have seen. Now my dear internet we are bringing those stories to you.