I NEED YOU TO CHECK SOMETHING FOR ME..

SCROTUM: Noun/Plural..The pouch of skin that contains the testes.

What the dictionary does not include in this definition: As men age, their scrotums become supersized and extra shiny. I did not discover this by reading an updated anatomy book, or attending a mens health expo. Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of my patient announcing, (before I could take off my coat) "I need you to check something". As homecare nurses, we are very familiar with that phrase..hearing it several times a week. Typically, the next step is our patients show us a bruise or cut, new bottle of medicine, or even the thermostat. But, this day was different. As I quickly removed my coat, (in superstar nurse -save the day fashion), and started to walk over to him, he already was standing in front of his lazyboy. Pants down around ankles. Boxers twisted at his feet. AND THERE IT WAS... the biggest, longest scrotum I had ever seen. It wasnt his scrotum he needed me to check. He had an itch in his right groin area. I didnt have a choice.. I had to go in...I adorned my medium non latex powder free gloves, attempted to visualize the groin.. Quite difficult with him standing, and myself bending at the waist with my hair nearly dragging on the ground. I asked him to go lay in his bed, and he refused.. of course. I reluctantly, kneeled down (yes, the picture in your mind is correct), grabbed hold of the fifty pound, six foot scrotum, and dug in...noting a horrible fungal infection. While assessing the entire groin, and scrotum, with his penis blowing in the wind... he had the nerve to ask me if any patients with a rash like his that need checked, get an erection....
As I helped him fold up his scrotum, and place it back down his pants into his shoe, I told him I would report this to his doctor, and politely excused myself out the door....
This would be the last time, "I need you to check something" would get me.