Hmmm that is one way to look at it.....

I went to see a patient one time that was status post a breast mastectomy. I was there that day to remove her staples from the incision and empty her JP drains. We got to talking about Cancer and the treatments for Cancer. She was concerned about the chemotherapy that she was going to have to go through. I was talking her through her fears and it turned out most of them were based on the fact that her relative had colon cancer.
We had the following conversation:
Patient: You know they took his butthole off and put a butthole on his stomach
Me: (stifling a smile) Well what he had was removal of his colon and then they attach the remaining colon to his abdominal wall and attach a bag to it so he can still eliminate waste from his bowels
Patient: Yeah they put a butthole on his stomach
Me: Indeed they did.....

911 Fire Police or Medic?

The block party I stumbled upon, arriving to my patients house one Saturday, concerned me at first. However, in true home care nursing fashion, I grabbed my nursing bag, pinned on my name badge, and confidently walked up to the house. After refusing a bottle of beer the nice gentleman on the porch offered me, I proceeded to ring the bell. A woman, pushed her way through the crowded living room, and opened the door. I explained I was there to see my patient, and she showed me up the narrow staircase. As I walked into the tiny bedroom, I found my patient sitting on the edge of the bed. I introduced myself, and the very obvious intoxicated lady politely shut the door, and went downstairs. My patient looked at me and said, "Who was that"? I didn't know, and neither did she. Trying to stay on task, I started my nursing visit. The music was very loud, and I struggled communicate with my little lady. After some time, I finished up, thanked my patient, and told her I would be back Tuesday. Picking up my bag, I walked to the door. As I turned the knob, it appeared to be stuck. Jiggling the door, I began to break a sweat. My patient kept saying, "just turn it".. REALLY? Thanks, for the help. She then got up, slowly made her way over to the door, and failed as well. Hmmm.. what now? I tried it again, and again. After what seemed like forever, I tried to yell out the door, but the music was too loud. I put on my "survivor" face, and got a bright idea to open the window, and yell to the crowd that I saw on the front lawn. Much to my dismay, the window was painted shut. Awesome. It was at this moment I questioned my profession. Sitting there, looking my patient in the eye, I wondered if I was on Candid Camera. Was somebody going to jump out of the closet, and yell..:"GOTCHA" . No such luck. I had no other option.. I grabbed my cell phone, and YES I did it. 911, fire, police, or medical? The operator said. Well, fire would help get a ladder to this second floor window that's painted shut, police could break down the door and free me-and safely get me out of here, and definitely the medic for the panic attack I was having, and 10 pound of fluid Ive lost from sweating. Take your pick, I told her. Moments later, I heard them.. the sirens prompted the music to quickly get turned down, and random people scattered(yes, I was watching out the window.) Pretty soon, I heard a voice, "Are you in here"? Yep, I proudly replied, and the police officer opened the door. Apparently, the delightful mystery guest locked the door from the outside. I grabbed my stuff, let the kind police officer escort me to my car, NEVER to return again. (BTW, the patient was subsequently removed from that home, and now happily resides with her other son across town- -not a good idea to lock someone in their room) Moral of the story.. always carry your cell phone (or a crowbar)

Elderly Pimpin'

So I had an elderly African-American patient a couple of years ago that we were seeing for antibiotic injections for pneumonia. Part of my responsibilities as a home care nurse is to educate patients on their disease processes and also their medications. So as I was teaching this gentleman about his medications and quizzing him on what each one was, we got to his Viagra. Now this patient happened to be on twice the normal dose then is indicated for erectile dysfunction. When I inquired as to why he was taking it, thinking maybe there was another reason he set me straight:
Flo: Do you know why you are on this medication
Him: Yeah that is so I can get it up for the ladies
Flo: That is an extremely high dose
Him: Yeah Dr Blank says that us black men need twice as much since we are twice as big
Flo: I have never heard that before
Him: Want to see how it works?
Flo: I'll see you next week
Sometimes it is just better to keep your mouth shut. When will I ever learn?