There She Blows!

I believe I have mentioned before what a glamorous career that nursing is. We deal with body fluids of all kinds, poop, vomit, pee, mucous, and the good old mystery fluids that you really do not want to know what they are. Well today was no exception.

I have a patient who is a monthly foley catheter change. This is a tube that goes directly into the bladder for people who retain urine or their bladders just do not drain correctly anymore.

So this lady happens to be obese and it is very difficult to get to where I need to be from the front. So I have her roll to her side so I can insert the catheter. So everything is going normally until I hear "OMG, OMG, OMG!" from my patient. Before I had time to react the most unholy inhumane fart sounding as if it originated from the depth of Hell. Meh, farts are easy it has happened to me many times and I barely miss a beat. However this time the fart from hell was followed by the hugest smelliest shit I have ever had the misfortune of of seeing/smelling. Not to mention the fact it landed all over my arm. Some days I wish the uniform wasn't scrubs but full body armor!

Would you like to buy a vowel???

Sitting in the rocking chair, my patient turns and looks at me at says, "I don't feel well today". After pressing the issue, trying to identify what exactly was wrong, and what I could do for him, he continued to repeat over and over, "the doctor said its my pirates, they're abnormal" "Pirates??" I asked. "Yes, pirates...p-i-r-a-t-e-s". Well, since he took the time to spell it, I knew that's what he was saying. Now, I have been a nurse for awhile, and never heard of abnormal pirates. He then asked me, what will happen to him if his pirates do not improve. I wanted to say, "well, you may encounter some trouble the next time you take over a ship", but I didn't. I simply picked up the phone and called his doctor. The doctor was less than pleased to get on the phone, and more agitated when I asked him whats wrong with my patients pirates. He said a few choice words.... then said...ohhhhh, he just had blood work, and his PLATELETS were abnormal...I tried not to laugh, but couldn't help myself. I told my patient he would be fine.. his pirates will be checked again next month.. nothing to worry about.

When In Rome.....

Having a job that pays you a salary is a wonderful thing. However, in home care, that doesn't always work in your favor. Being a salaried nurse, you don't always have the ability to pick and choose the patients you see. I received a call from the office one day, telling me I had another patient to add to my schedule. After getting all of the demographics, the scheduler-quietly said, " Oh, he gets a little combative and agitated at times, and sometimes refuses to let the nurse in, but you have to make him let you in.. he is a brittle diabetic, but I know you can handle it". Great. I reviewed his diagnosis list..diabetes-fine, hypertension-no problem, coronary artery disease-piece of cake.. schizophrenia-hmmm, we'll see.
After parking my car in the parking lot, I began to walk down the grassy hill to the low-income apartments. It was at that point I noticed, the homeless man fast asleep in the side yard, the little kids running around in diapers, the young men gathered around an old car with the radio blasting, and smoke in the air. As I identified my patients apartment , I noticed the blinds were twisted, broken, and a face was looking out the window. Taking a deep breath, and reminding myself that I love my job(over and over), I slowly approached, and knocked. A loud voice yelled through the metal door, "Who is it?" I explained I was the nurse, and was here to check his blood sugar, and give him his insulin. After what seemed like hours, he replied louder, "You're lying, I'm not letting you in"..Wow. Now what? I told him again, I was here to help him. He continued to peer out the window, as I stood there.. confused, and slightly irritated that he was now putting me behind schedule. "I'm not letting you in, until you tell me your gang affiliation" he announced. What??, there I stood, nursing bag over my shoulder, scrubs on my body, name badge on my shirt, and he wants to know my gang affiliation??
I stood there for a few more seconds, trying to decide: run as fast as I can back to my car, or answer the man. I pressed my face close to the door, and said, in a low voice "I'm with the West Side Nurses". Long awkward pause. Slowly, the door opened. There stood a pleasant man, smiling from ear to ear, and exclaimed, "Why didn't you say that from the beginning.. come on in honey".
I took care of this man every day for almost a year. The director of nursing asked me on several occasions, "How did you get him to agree to your visits.. I just told her, don't worry about it. One day, I was running late to see him, and he called the office- he didn't give my name, yet told the director, "My nurse isn't here yet- ya know her- the one in the West Side Nurses Gang, can you call her?"
I won employee of the year that year